Janet.Jackson.Rock with U

I rode the bus this morning. I don't drive. I tried to stop myself from crying the whole ride to petersburg, but my pain put itself in charge. I even squeezed my eyelids shut, but the tears found their way down the sides of my cheeks. At home I am dealing with dramatics. At school I am feeling dramatic. And in the public I look dramatic. The past two weeks have been pure hell, a phrase I don't use lightly. When I look at myself in the mirror now, I see straight thru the kindhearted person I struggle to maintain and pierce to the center of a bitter young woman that has been twisted by the "circumstances" of life.

I listen to this song, Rock With U, to fight off the pressure that has built up in me. Little by little, I replay frames of the video to try and take me up and away, to a place unknown, where there is me, my body, spirit, and a dance. I've chosen to become completely ignorant to the existence of other people, people I don't know or don't care to know. I figure, "They don't help me accomplish anything in this world so who needs em?!'' I've started to form into my own thing. I call it a thing because it doesn't come off to me as human, animalistic, spiritual, or intellectual. This thing feels and absorbs but doesn't speak- I'll leave it at that.

While I engage in this song, my thing feels edged. It becomes sassy and hardcore- like nothing in this world can hinder it. This thing is not me- it's not even my personality, but I found it one night, when I was completely stressed and ready to give up life, (abandoned) in the corner of my heart. Since then I took it upon myself to nurture this thing, to raise it as my own. And now, as a (good) mother would care for her child, I care for my thing. And thru songs like this I am able to watch it develop- to dance its dance and play on the kiddie see saw, to race down a rusted slide and soar beyond the clouds on a rubber-seated swing. I watch my thing flourish as though it were a part of me.

SawDust

My heart swells in the springtime and in the summer it melts. It's only mid-March and the temperatures are already scratching lower 70s. Yesterday afternoon I sat outside, running my mouth on the phone as usual and although I'm on punishment, I felt so naturally free. I got in trouble a few days ago- got my cell taken, but yesterday I sashayed back and forth on that porch as though I had no worries in the world.
It's something about the weather during these "end of the school year" months- March, April, and May. These are months where each day is light hearted; you wake up with nothing heavy on your mind, there are no problems in sight and everything flows smoothly. All of this because of the weather. It somehow finds its way into your spirit. It finds its way into mine. And when this time of the year rolls around, I am taken to the depths of my most inner ideas, feelings, and truth. I can't help but find what has made me who I am. I discover all of this, year after year, during these springtime months.
I walk around without heavy burdens, I ignore them all. I have no particular focus; not school, home, family, or friends. But with the discovery of truth and who I've developed into comes the realization of how I am. These times are also a period where I begin to doubt and struggle with myself. Some days I feel so lite that I'm distracted with whatever I should be in tune with. I let myself get used by people who are no good for me in the long run, only because it seems the right thing to do at the moment. And because the weather is so fresh and inviting, year after year, I am constantly taken up to a place where my hopes are left waiting for truth.

Dedication

I decided that in order to make my life on this earth useful, purposeful I must involve myself-mentally, spiritually, emotionally- in a great cause. I’m not looking to become the next mother Teresa, Iman, Condoleezza Rice, Donald Trump, or even county police officer. The truth is I don’t know what I want to become, but I figure that whatever I end up “being” or doing in life, I can only successfully get to if I decide to have dedicate my times and efforts into a specific circumstance.

Like Baptist ministers who are said to devote their lives to the words and techings of Jesus Christ; they have spiritually given themselves to the lord above and therefor have "something" to live for- God himself. Artists live for the gratification that their and others' pieces bring. They live off the inspiration found in art. Life coaches live for the wisdom they gain in common, everyday situations and circumstances. Athletes live for the fun of the game, the adrenaline rush they recieve when playing their favorite sport(s). Dog catchers live for the simple fact that they don't want to see another stray animal attack a helpless girl in the streets. Volunteers live for the joy of giving back to the community. Motivational speakers live to impact the lives of others thru speech. And I, I am not a "minister," "artist," "life coach," "athlete," "dog catcher," "volunteer" or "motivational speaker". I am only me and until I can find who I truly am, I will continue to live for nothing.

T.I.P. Stank MODE

Over the past few months life has thrown many unwelcomed situations and circumstances in my face- and right in the mist of it all, he put some dumb young man! In addition to not having a license, current job, change in my pocket, or the simple uplifts that make the teenage years so wonderful, I've been dealing with this boy (we'll call him X). And there's nothing wrong with carrying on relationships with people of the opposite sex, especially during these teen years, but when somebody starts to aggravate your morality and common sense- it's time to give them the "handz" because you're not trying to hear it! Nobody has time to deal with unnecessary jibber jab from from counter parts.
And for better understanding I will use myself as an example; so here's me and X. We were originally introduced by a mutual friend. He calls me everyday and we talk on the phone- oh no we don't- I do. I talk 99 percent of the time while he sits back and "listens." It wasn't always this way though. At the beginning of our "courting," we laughed and talked it up! And now he doesn't say much- if anything at all. The funny thing though, is when I say "let me call you back" or "I'm getting off the phone cuz you're not saying nothin," he pleads with me not to?- I put a question mark behind that last phrase because my common sense in those particular moments question his actions.
I came to the conclusion that this fool has no mouth because he seems to never have anything to say, or at least not the right thing to say. We've been seeing each other often and things are somewhat smooth between us in person. I'm not his girlfriend so I don't expect to go out to the movies cuddled up beside him or take long walks in the park by his side. We just chill, watch tv, blah blah. He's been pressuring me to be his girlfriend, boo, wifey, shawty, etc. But I'm not having it. Because outside of hardly saying a word on he phone, he blatantly downplays my intelligence. Who needs to put up with someone that outright disrespects them by talking about other females or criticizing their body. Plain and simple- there's no use in wasting time by putting up with people who don't do you any good, that's a parasitic relationship right there!