Janet.Jackson.Rock with U

I rode the bus this morning. I don't drive. I tried to stop myself from crying the whole ride to petersburg, but my pain put itself in charge. I even squeezed my eyelids shut, but the tears found their way down the sides of my cheeks. At home I am dealing with dramatics. At school I am feeling dramatic. And in the public I look dramatic. The past two weeks have been pure hell, a phrase I don't use lightly. When I look at myself in the mirror now, I see straight thru the kindhearted person I struggle to maintain and pierce to the center of a bitter young woman that has been twisted by the "circumstances" of life.

I listen to this song, Rock With U, to fight off the pressure that has built up in me. Little by little, I replay frames of the video to try and take me up and away, to a place unknown, where there is me, my body, spirit, and a dance. I've chosen to become completely ignorant to the existence of other people, people I don't know or don't care to know. I figure, "They don't help me accomplish anything in this world so who needs em?!'' I've started to form into my own thing. I call it a thing because it doesn't come off to me as human, animalistic, spiritual, or intellectual. This thing feels and absorbs but doesn't speak- I'll leave it at that.

While I engage in this song, my thing feels edged. It becomes sassy and hardcore- like nothing in this world can hinder it. This thing is not me- it's not even my personality, but I found it one night, when I was completely stressed and ready to give up life, (abandoned) in the corner of my heart. Since then I took it upon myself to nurture this thing, to raise it as my own. And now, as a (good) mother would care for her child, I care for my thing. And thru songs like this I am able to watch it develop- to dance its dance and play on the kiddie see saw, to race down a rusted slide and soar beyond the clouds on a rubber-seated swing. I watch my thing flourish as though it were a part of me.